Nails on a chalkboard: apostrophes

It's happened again, my friends. I've flipped out over something that any normal human would simply ignore. I know that I overreact, but why oh why do writers use apostrophes when forming a simple plural?

My morning had been reasonably calm, a cappuccino on the deck while writing down my goals for the week before sitting down to the computer. Clearly, my mistake was checking a popular social networking site. A post that was intended as cute brought my blood to the boiling point. It was about yarn, for crying out loud. Basically, it said that we should keep yarn away from "cat's and kid's." "Cat's and kid's WHAT?" I screamed at my screen.

I think my anger escalated because the quotation had been added to an illustration, and it flowed perfectly around a line drawing of a woman crafting a list. The writer of the post had taken care with presentation but not with grammar. It was as if she carefully iced a cake before baking it.

How do we know when we need an apostrophe? It's easier to figure out when we don't need one. If you are writing about more than one object, it's plural. Plural nouns do not take apostrophes. I repeat, they do NOT take apostrophes. One cat, many cats; one dog, many dogs; one kid, many kids. See the pattern?

So when DO you need an apostrophe? The primary use is to show ownership. If you are writing about the sound that belongs to a cat, it's "the cat's meow." If you are writing about the end that belongs to a dog, it's "a dog's tail."

The location of the apostrophe can be a little tricky. If the noun is singular, the apostrophe goes between the singular noun (cat) and the "s" that indicates possession, as in "cat's." If you are writing about more than one cat, the apostrophe follows the plural noun. We have two cats, and if I'm writing about playthings they share, it's "the cats' toys." Our cats happen to be very proprietary, so if I'm writing about the toys that belong to one cat or the other, it would be "the cat's toys." Can you see why the position of the apostrophe is important?

There are numerous other occasions where the apostrophe is used, and it can be difficult to keep track of them all. For less common uses of the apostrophe, you should bookmark a reliable on-line resource, such as Grammar Girl's  http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com. It's a searchable guide that is easy to understand. An online resource for more scholarly writing is hosted by Purdue University: http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/747/01/.

If you consider yourself a serious writer, you should invest in the style guide related to your field. These include the MLA Manual, the Chicago Manual of Style, and Gregg's Reference Manual. While you might not spend your free minutes reading the style guide to find interesting anomalies of grammar, it is a comfort to have it at hand, knowing that you will always be able to check your writing before you hit "Post."

P.S. When I went back to look at the offending social networking site's post, I found that it was gone. Do you think it was my comment that made it disappear?

Are you there or their or they're?

Grammar mavens know the difference among these three homophones, but do you? Take this quick quiz to test your knowledge. Select the correct spelling in each of the following sentences.

Who's (their/there/they're)?

They had better watch (their/there/they're) backs.

(Their/there/they're) going to be in big trouble.

Before I reveal the answers, let's inspect each of these three words to see how they are supposed to function.

THEIR
"Their" is a possessive personal pronoun, so it is used to show ownership. It is always used before a noun. Their cat, their books, their vacation, their phobias, their unusual collection, their twin Porsches, their quant, unpretentious home on the Riviera are all proper uses of "their."

THERE
"There" is an adverb and is used to indicate position or location. Put the marble bust over there on the mantle. I want to go there.

"There" is also used as a noun meaning that place or that position. For example, "Chris will drive to Paoli and take the train from there."

"There" can also be used as a pronoun, usually as the subject of a sentence that uses some form of the "to be" verb (is, are, was, were, will). Here are some examples: "There are 26 letters in the alphabet."  "There Will Be Blood."  "Is there any reason why I should believe you?"

"There" can also be used as an interjection, a word that shows strong emotion or sentiment. You can imagine your sweet Auntie Eustace saying, "There, there, dear. Don't worry."

THEY'RE
"They're" is a contraction, a substitution for "they are." Contractions give a more conversational tone to your writing. "Have you tried Eclat caramels? They're my favorites." "They're waiting." "They're watching the children."

Some helpful hints:

First, notice that all three words begin with THE. Forget the i-before-e rule--it's THEIR.

Second, when in doubt, substitute.

• If the sentence makes sense if you substitute "his" or "her," then "THEIR" is the correct choice. (His cat, her book, her vacation, his phobia--you get it, right?)
• If it makes sense using "here," go with "there."This substitution only works if "there" is used as an adverb, but if neither of the other substitution tricks work, you are safe in assuming that "there" is the word you want.
•  If it makes sense using "they are," use "THEY'RE." (They are my favorites; they are waiting; they are watching the children.)

Third, notice that "there" can be used in four very different ways. In most instances, it is the right choice.

Finally, if you are still not sure, the safest trick of all is to rewrite the sentence to eliminate the word "there" entirely. The result will usually be a stronger sentence.

Do you want to go back and check your answers? Go ahead.

Drumroll, please ....
Who's there?
(In this case, there is an adverb showing position. You could substitute the word "here" and the sentence would still make sense.)

They had better watch their backs.
(Here, the word "their" tells us whose backs they are watching. To check your response, you have to do a little more work in the substitution--We had better watch our backs--but it still works.)

They're going to be in big trouble.
(In this sentence, "they're" is a contraction. You can substitute "they are" and the sentence will be grammatically correct.)

If you answered all three correctly, give yourself a pat on the back.

Please let me know if you have other questions about homophones.

Grammar at the Constitution Center

The Ancient Rome and America exhibit at the Constitution Center ends on August 1, so we headed into the city on Sunday morning to see it before it was too late. The artifacts ranged from a ring worn by Caesar Augustus to modern reproductions of busts of famous Romans. The exhibit ended with a video contemplating the fall of Rome and whether America will share Rome's fate. If a failure to use proper grammar is any indication, maybe America is doomed.

Sometimes a grammar problem is only evident in print. The difference between "it's" and "its" is a case in point. In the subtitles of the brief video, the producers used the two words interchangeably; however there is a difference between the two. "It's" is a contraction of the two words "it is." For example, "It's (it is) my party, and I'll cry if I want to." "Its" is a possessive pronoun. In other words, it is used to show ownership by an inanimate object. For example, "Don't judge a book by its cover."

Why do so many people have problems with these two tiny words? I think it is because there are two uses for the apostrophe:

1. The apostrophe is used to indicate missing letters in a contraction. Could have= could've

2. The apostrophe is used to show possession. The book that belongs to Barbara=Barbara's book

When a writer has to decide between "it's" and "its," these two rules seem to collide. But they don't really. Look at the other possessive pronouns:

I=my (I brought my book to the beach.)

You=your (or yours) (You watched your money grow in your retirement account.)

He=his (He played his guitar at the coffee house.)

She=her (or hers) (She kicked her soccer ball in the park.)

We=our (We finished our dinner with homemade gelato.)

They=their (They drove their car across the state.)

Notice that none of the possessive pronouns uses an apostrophe! If you remember that none of the other pronouns uses an apostrophe to form its possessive, you'll never make this mistake of usage.

And you can save America from its (not it's!) decline and fall.

Ten items or...

You are in the grocery store, juggling a gallon of milk, a pound of butter, a loaf of bread, and a carton of eggs. Your biggest decision at this point is whether to get in line behind the woman with the screaming child and a cart full of Captain Crunch and Fruit Roll-ups or the dapper older gentleman with fixings for sandwiches for the week. Suddenly you notice the light pop up over the Express Lane. Yes! Score!

If you are a grammar maven, it might pain you to see the small print. Express Lane: Ten items or less. OUCH! Since the object is question is "items," the grammatically correct expression is "Ten items or fewer."

While this turn of phrase might sound pompous, the use of "fewer" for things that you can count (teeth, books, spoons, chickens, chairs) dates back to 1770. "Less," on the other hand, is used for things you can't count (sugar, sand, flour, water). These words (which grammarians call mass nouns), can be counted if they are paired with a unit of measure. So, it would be grammatically correct to say, "I use less sugar in my coffee than my daughter," or "I use fewer pounds of sugar each week now that I don't bake as often." Another example of this phenomenon is "Put less water in the glasses so they don't spill," or "Use fewer bottles of water to reduce waste."

Granted, "less" has been used with countable nouns since the time of Alfred the Great, and many people have never been taught this nicety of grammar. If that's the case, why do I care whether I stand under a sign that says "Ten items or less"? Or, more important, why should you care? When I see a printed sign, a sign that has been reviewed by the marketing department, the legal department, the executives at the highest level, and it contains a grammatical error, I wonder what other corners have been cut, what other rules they have ignored, what other ways the store relies on the lowest common denominator. If they don't hire writers who know the rules of grammar and usage, what are their qualifications for the people who handle meat or produce?

Sure, people do speak informally on a daily basis, but in my humble opinion, written text needs to be held to a higher standard, and people who design posted signs that will be read by thousands should be held accountable for their language usage.

And that's my pet peeve for the week.

Welcome to Grammar Mom

Grammar Mom is a site for me to vent about issues of grammar and usage that drive me crazy as a mom and as a teacher, as a reader and a writer, as a person who thinks about words.

I hope this site will also be a place for people to go who aren't sure about a language problem, about word choice, about the niceties of style.

What are my credentials? I teach high school English. I have taught college-level writing courses. I attended parochial school long ago when grammar was king. I read voraciously and omnivorously.

Come in to my world. Read about my pet peeves. Ask questions, if you like. Learn about language. Love language.